Keepin' it Real is Not Always Pretty

In hindsight, maybe I should have not bought that onesie (omen anyone?). There I was at the store all giggles and thinking “How Cute! I must have.” Fast forward 6 weeks postpartum around 3 AM last Monday morning, and you would have found me bawling because I had been up for hours with him and all I wanted was to sleep… But, I survived to live another day and now I have a deeper understanding of why sleep depravation is used as a torture technique.

You would think this time around I would know better, but nope. Because it’s my third baby I thought it would be a breeze. “Who needs maternity leave? Definitely not me. I work from home, babies sleep all day, I can do this.” Pop this baby and get back at it. And that’s exactly what I did. Give birth Thursday, and be back in conference calls by following Monday. Granted, I came back part time, but maybe I just had FOMO. Maybe I’m truly a control freak and didn’t want to be disconnected or maybe I just wanted to be one of those women that can do it all. Otherwise, how am I suppose to conquer the world if I take off? BUT (and this is a big but) I didn’t expect to have the one baby that doesn’t sleep, that has reflux, colic and gas, and because of ALL of it (and maybe also because he’s a baby) wants to nurse 24/7 around the clock.

The moment I had this baby, sleep stopped. Between the seemingly endless routine check-ups and testings at the hospital, to trying to establish breastfeeding, there’s no sleep. Being home was a bit better, but I still found myself sleeping in a chair four days after birth with my 9 pound-ish newborn safely tucked in the Björn baby carrier I was using to nurse at night so that I wouldn’t drop him if I did give in into exhaustion.

I chose to exclusively breastfeed and to avoid nipple confusion, there was none of this “let me pump and husband will take over a night feeding.” Besides, pumping is a pain in the ass, so if I have to wake up to pump (so that hubby can have the bottle to feed or my breast are not engorged), I may as well nurse. That’s how I ended up at that chair nursing with a baby carrier, googling away about breasfeeding positions, milk boosters, gassy babies and online shopping at Amazon because retail therapy is the best therapy.

We like to believe we can “sleep when baby sleeps” but there’s no such a thing when your baby doesn’t really sleep. And lets face it, even if he does sleep, there’s too much shit to do like shower, eat, (pee?) plus make sure your other two kids know you haven’t forgotten about them AND answer that one e-mail because I am the Seafood Ninja and I shall conquer.

I know this phase will pass and I try to find humor in it and make the best of it. Sometimes it’s just hard to take a step back and remind myself he will not be this little forever and proof of that are my 7 yr old and 5 yr old playing in their tablets and telling me how they built this or that. I don’t know where the time went. Feels like yesterday they were 6 weeks old and I was the same tired momma I am today.

Better sleep will come, but in the meantime, I will continue to slowly turn into a breastfeeding vampire and never sleep… Cheers!